Do your kids ever disagree? Get mad at each other? Fight? You’re not alone. Sibling rivalry is a well-established thing and a normal part of any family’s experience, to one extent or another. Brothers and sisters compete for attention, resources and time. But as parents we want the best for all our kids, and thus want to heal that rivalry, celebrate interpersonal achievement and encourage cooperation. Here are some strategies to make it happen.
- Understand the Root Causes of Sibling Rivalry. Why do brothers and sisters compete at all? For many reasons we may have gone through ourselves but forgotten. Siblings compete for parental attention, because they’re jealous, because they perceive favoritism (“you love him more than me!”), and even because they think they’re worse at the things their siblings are better at. Just being aware of these root causes of sibling rivalry puts you on the path to resolve it.
- Establish Rules and Consequences. Setting clear rules and expectations for behavior is crucial in managing sibling rivalry. Can your kids disagree? Probably a good thing to allow, with rules in place. No name calling. No hitting, No destruction. Listen first, then respond (any black belt student or parent will recognize that this is what we teach in karate). Clearly communicate the consequences of breaking these rules, and be consistent in enforcing them. This helps children understand boundaries and the importance of respecting each other’s feelings and space.
- Encourage Teamwork and Empathy. Competition in sports is great (in a way it’s the whole point); cooperation among teammates, referees, and even the opposing team is crucial, too. This is a complex business, family-wise. Siblings have their own interests (baking, sewing, athletics, painting, writing, drawing, and much more). They may not compete in the same arena, but they all want your attention. Think of ways to encourage cooperation: while you bake mom some cookies, I’ll write her a poem or paint a picture. While you gather a bouquet of dandelions, I’ll pull some weeds and make the lawn look cleaner. Set your kids up to think this way, and foster appreciation for every effort.
- Teach Problem-Solving Skills. Problem-solving does not come naturally (every parent has seen that). For young kids especially, but all kids generally, conflicts seem unresolvable. Brother wants the last piece of watermelon, so I have to grab it for myself. Brother sees my grab. A fight ensues. The cut of watermelon falls in the dirt, and no one gets it. As seasoned adults, parents see the outcome from a mile away. But kids only see their immediate wants with no solution at hand. Try gently intervening with the wisdom of Solomon: Cut the watermelon slice in two. This can be applied countless ways: Brother gets to choose the show tonight, you get to choose the show tomorrow (otherwise, no TV). Encourage siblings to express their feelings and concerns in a respectful manner and work towards finding mutually acceptable solutions.
- Create Quality Family Time. The answer to it all these challenges (in a way) is to spend time together. This helps strengthen bonds by allowing all family members to show their strengths. Maybe one sibling is really really good at something (jumping far or drawing well) but is nervous in front of people. Another sibling is great in a crowd, but doesn’t have the skill set (yet) to put on a show by themselves. One person is great at planning, organizing. Another has pure energy for outright adventure. How can they work together to put on that show? To make an adventure happen? This spirit of being a family unit can energize even a simple family dinner. Spending quality time together as a family can help strengthen the bond between siblings and create positive memories. Engage in activities that promote bonding and teamwork, such as family game nights, outdoor adventures, or creative projects. Create opportunities for siblings to have fun and connect with each other in a positive and nurturing environment.
Black belt training can help bring families together, to foster a spirit of healthy competition along with an encouraging sense of cooperation among siblings and parents. If you’d like to see how a black belt community can help your kids grow up better together, start here for a free lesson.
